Whale of an Offense

“You know how [insert friend’s name here] is always so rude and always telling lies, I just can’t figure it out, she/he is such an enigma and makes me so frustrated, but I love him/her.” I have spoken ill of my friends, I have often criticized, mocked, harangued, and even scoffed (that’s right I’m going to use a biblical term) at them. Often, my motives stem from the fact that it is just something to talk about or something that intrigues me, and often I can’t find anything interesting to say about myself. However; I’ve found that many people, including myself, like to cover ourselves when we make such comments and we marginalize our critiques with certain phrases that make us seem a little less mean-spirited. Truly I don’t believe that we are generally mean-spirited creatures, that is why contemporary talk includes phrases such as ‘but I love him’, ‘with all due respect’ and ‘no offense’ that indicate that we don’t want to cause ill towards others; or at least leave other people with the impression that we revel in tearing down our friends.

“With all due respect” inevitably means that you are about to disrespect someone with the very next comment. This phrase is ostentatiously used as a precursor to an insult. Can you imagine Truman at the outset of World War Two saying to Germany “with all due respect Germany, you really fought hard and made some incredible tactical decisions and it’s been such a pleasure to have engaged you in globalwarfare for the last four years”? No, you can’t! There is no respect due and in many cases when we say with all due respect we are indicating that there is no respect involved at all. I’d like to propose a change to this common phrase. Say it only when you want to say something respectful to someone like “With all due respect, you ate that chili cheese dog with poise and integrity” or “With all due respect, I really respect you.” When you ‘due’ someone respect, it’s probably correct to say something positive. The same pattern can be utilized with the term “No offense”. Has there ever been a time when you said no offense and then didn’t offend someone in even the slightest way? I’m just going to start saying “OFFENSE!” or “with offense” and then say what I would normally say with “no offense”.

When Pinocchio shamelessly plagiarized the bible and jumped in that whale (echoes of Jonah anyone?) I was just as livid everyone else. But what really steamed my engines was when he had the audacity to gloat about having no strings to hold him down. This caused parents everywhere to cover their children’s ears due to the subtle implication that children didn't require 'strings' meaning parents. That wooden ‘real’ boy was a ‘real’ menace. Thankfully the bible was safe from Pinocchio’s blatant stealing when it stated “let your words be either yay yay or nay nay.” (I’m taking credit and intellectual property rights fees if this ever appears in a rap song, because don’t lie, it would be an awesome chorus) When we offset a discouraging word with a caveat of optimism we’re sitting on the fence. Let's be honest and consistent!

I freely admit, just as Pinocchio freely admitted that he could talk to crickets (you kidding me?, this also led children to believe that animals could talk, which eventuality led to the widespread disappointment of said children, myself included). It is hard to talk about others without being slightly negative; negative things are a lot funnier. It’s hard to laugh about someone’s good qualities. “John is such a great writer, he comprised this beautiful sonnet dedicated to his grandmother, it was hilarious.” There is nothing funny about that.

I guess I just wanted to write a blog throwing Pinocchio under the bus (or under the whale in this case), but I do believe that some consistency can be achieved in how we speak about our fellow man. What do you say? Yay Yay?